i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
