The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
