At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
