i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
