That's intense
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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