We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
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