her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
