My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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