i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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