I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
