Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
