My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
That's when you crack a 10am beer
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
