im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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