yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
