my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
