I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
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