If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
