i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
