Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
