if i can run in heels then i can drive
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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