The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
