I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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