If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
