I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I will pee on everything he values.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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