I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
found the other keg... it's in the tree
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
