So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
