Betty ford says i'm here all night
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
