just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
