I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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