Four minutes until I can fart!
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
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