Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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