I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
