My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
