You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
