dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
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