When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
