Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
too bad you live with your parents still
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I need a burrito and a hug.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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