Dude my mom stole all your condoms
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
3pm strippers are depressing
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
