turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
