I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
