Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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