You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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