my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
We smell like vodka and hangover
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