no, he came in my armpit
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Randomize
