My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
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