It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
