Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
