are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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