So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
