i wish my penis had a tongue
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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