someone threw a dead crab at me
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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