Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
