She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
